RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

April 2010

It's been so long and yet this love for him doesn't seem to go away.

posted by xblowfishx @ 10:42 AM 0 comments

Empty

Why do I feel so empty suddenly? I can't explain this void. It's so deja vu, the depression that's dying to kick in. What's wrong with me??

Ste came to the office just now and I told him I'm depressed. He asked me why and I told him about Mr Orange. He said, "I don't understand why are you still thinking about him. He cheated on you and that is unforgiveable in a relationship. You have to use logic to think and then block out the feelings." It's really not that easy, yes, I use logic to not get back with him or crawl miserably after him but doesn't mean that I feel any less.

How can I get rid of this horrible feeling? Or do I wanna stay in this forever? Dear God, I'm dying from a broken heart. I was fine for the past few months. What's happening? Please help me to let go and to trust you. I am panicking now. I don't want to panic and I don't want to cry. But at the moment, it really feels like hell. I have to stop contact with him.

Dear God, please give me the strength to go through this. Please give me joy and peace in my heart because I know you are in control dear father. No matter what comes, you are in control and you know what's best for me.

posted by xblowfishx @ 12:16 PM 0 comments

Unexpected

Merv got married last Friday. It was rather unexpected, well because no one guessed in the least bit that he was going to end up marrying this girl and only after 3 months. He seems really happy and I feel very happy for him too.

Mr Orange was at the dinner. After so long, I still feel a lot for him, which in my opinion is dumb and I really thought that I was truly over him. I just don't understand the feelings bit, its been close to 3 years since we broke up. I noticed that girls get stuck on their exes way long after their break ups. Is this more of a characteristics thing or a psychological thing? I just miss being with him. The way he used to make me laugh and the fun we had together. I have to stop thinking about it or it will just get worse. I doubt he even thinks about me, why do I always put myself up for this??

Ollie and I have been working on NBT and it's finally getting some progress. I just need more inspiration. By the way, I'm sick of the dating scene... how ironic is that when I own a dating agency. I wonder how long I have to wait for me to meet the next person that I can find totally irresistible. Oh ya, Workingholic introduced me to this guy, Keropok, some 2 months ago. Everyone's introducing me guys (even O's uncle!! this is truly epic) but I seem to have lost interest. (for the records, i'm still straight despite what i have been telling men that i've changed preferences)

How do you compete with an old love? They will lose to the memories. It might be easier if I can just bring myself to actually start dating after Ste. Why can't I forget Mr Orange?

I wonder what God has in store for me. I'm going to wait.

posted by xblowfishx @ 11:11 PM 0 comments

Sometimes it feels like a joke

I prayed really hard this evening before I left the office and asked God if he could make things work out between me and Ste.

When I was out with Ollie and Lorr, Ollie suddenly looked at me and said I saw Ste. He's with another girl. I turned and I saw him. I wonder why it has to be this way. God wants me to see and get on with my life.

It doesn't feel any better. In fact, I feel so farked up right now.

posted by xblowfishx @ 2:25 AM 0 comments

CheckMate

Ollie and I really did it!! Our first co-hosted event under NBT really happened and it happened well. The turnout was much better than we expected. We brought in about 70 guests from NBT and all our friends were very happy for us. They didn't expect us to actually go through with it but we did!! Ollie, me and Fre left earlier, about 2am cos we were really tired and we went for supper. Some of our guests still stayed back as they were having alot of fun.

I felt so empty when I got home last night. I mean, of course I was happy that things turned out well. But I didn't feel that satisfaction that I thought I would get. What am I searching for?

Ste was there.

posted by xblowfishx @ 12:20 AM 0 comments

When

Ever wondered how many times a heart can take a beating before they get numb and stop feeling? Everytime just about when I think I can no longer feel anything, the feeling comes back stronger and hits me tenfold. I miss Ste so very very badly. He's out at one of our client's place. He asked me along but since he's together with Glen, I decided to give it a miss. Not to mention after yesterday's episode, that outburst in the meeting made things worse. Glen asked him after I left the room, what's going on between us and why I seem to hate him so much.

Right.

This just reminded me. Resolution numero due went wayward. And it's only February!!!

posted by xblowfishx @ 1:41 AM 0 comments

Recent Events

We finally went ahead with the dating agency after countless talks and rather sluggish action. V Day is about to come up and we got invited to co-host CheckMate at White Rabbit. Basically I got all the paperwork up within a week and now we are waiting for our namecards and the website to be up.

I am very excited about this, the fact that we actually went ahead with our plans and our very first publicity stunt is going to happen this Saturday!! I've been very jittery these few probably due to lack of sleep and also nervous about the turn out.

I miss Ste so dreadfully. Saw him a couple of days ago and he told me that Glen is going to be in town. He called yesterday to talk and asked how are things with me and what have I been up to. I asked what he was up to for Valentine's day and he hesitated and said nothing. I know he doesn't wanna go out with me but I just mentioned to him about my event. I didn't want to invite him to the event because it's supposed so be our day but it's not. Didn't mention the place and time to him. And he didn't ask. On the other hand, I want so much to share with him a very important day in my life. This love I have for him is very different, yes, I do want to be with him but at the same time, I just want his good.

Feel so empty even though I've been so busy past few weeks. Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't know what am I searching for. Sometimes I feel like this emptiness is going to engulf me whole, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

posted by xblowfishx @ 12:09 AM 0 comments