trip to m'sia
I just got back from KL yesterday afternoon around 4pm. I went to Sibu on Tues and left on Thurs to KL. KL is really different from the last time I was there, really developed and looks pretty fun now.
Went to the office straight after we dumped our stuff at home and was there till about 10.30pm. So totally tired. I didn't meet Mr Orange either as he said he had to be at work till about 8am the next day.
I think I expect too much. I will just channel all my energy to my career from now onwards. Screw it with relationships. If it happens, it happens. Sometimes he just promises and says so many things but all just empty talk.
questions
Am I overly sensitive? Sometimes I think I am, maybe life would be much easier if I can take things easy. Sure, I tell my friends that all the time. "Take it easy, relax man..it's no big deal" but it's alot easier said than done.
I don't think there's any problem with having friends of the opposite sex. I mean the world population consists of only male and female (i'm not even gonna try and debate otherwise) so either your friends are male or female. And granted, I've got alot of male friends, in fact 80% of my friends are guys. Having said that, I think I am in no position to be pissed at my bf for having tons of female friends and flirt with them too for that matter. BUT I AM. And that sucks cos I sound like some unreasonable horrible person :(
The night before we had an argument and I said that he's taking everything for granted. Then last night Mr Orange suggested we go out for dinner haha. The food was good yummmyyy. After that we went home and brought Dog1 & Dog2 out for a walk. It was nothing spectacular but it was special and I haven't been this happy in a long time. Sometimes simplicity in life is the best solution.
confusion
Sometimes I just feel that I am not meant to be in a relationship. Those small nitty gritty stuff gets to me after awhile and it seems so hard for me to trust anyone. I don't think Mr Orange and I are gonna hold out for much longer. He's got so many girls around him and it just doesn't give me a sense of security. Just the other day, Jessica msged him in the middle of the night and asked if he wanted to meet. My phone conked and he loaned me his spare. I can pretty well bet it's not the first time anyway. And on another occassion he had some girl's pic in his phone and he said she sent him her pic. I don't think girls just go around sending pics to their PLATONIC friends. It really sucks. But he asked me not to think astray and said they're long time friends or whatever crap. Why do all these just sound so familiar???? It's like deja vu, all those horrible feelings I felt when I was with Six just came back. I'm so scared of going through all that again. Maybe I should just step away now before I get myself in any deeper or I'd really be screwing myself up then.
uuurrrrrrggggghhhhhh
UUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
searching & searching. going round & round in circles over & over again. i'm so so tired
little hang ups
Things are going ok between Mr Orange and me, I guess. We don't really have arguments and stuff but it just seems that there's this gigantic barrier between us and we're treading on egg shells.
I hate this feeling of insecurity. Thought since I'm older now, should've gone way past these things but apparently not. Maybe it happens whenever I become too attached to a person. Someone once wrote, never become too attached to people or things or they'd just screw you up haha. Maybe I'm gonna adopt this philosophy of being detached. It could probably save myself a whole lotta pain in the end.
NN is going back to Jakarta for good. We went shopping on Monday night at Zara and Topshop and just walked & shopped and talked crap the whole night. I think I'm gonna sign up for my bike course. Going to get my bike license and buy me a cute little vespa heh. But I don't think I can park it at my house or my mum and Mr Orange sees it, they will kill me. Vespa vespaaa vespaaa zoom zoom...
Over so quick
Weekend's over againnnnnnn!!! I'm back at work and boy am I sleepppyyy. And I mean SLEEPY really really sleepy sleepy.
Last night went to meet NN & Mr Rolla at Bean for a drink and Mr Orange came to join us abit later. I miss him alot. I'm going for a smoke at the stairs now. Oh yaaaa meeting NN for shopping tonight. Bye bye money. I look like a panda now but pandas are cute and I'm not since I'm only an imitation panda.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
After hours
I met Mr Orange on Friday night and he told me a little about what was going on with his secret FBI assignment. It don't sound good at all and I'm terribly worried. I wonder if he knows what he's getting himself into exactly. It seems that I've become a nagger which is really not something that I want to be but I can't help it. If I stop worrying then most probably would mean that I've stopped caring.
This has put a real strain on our relationship. He gets very defensive whenever I comment on what's going on but why should he get defensive on me? I am just doing what I can to protect him. Anyway, I've stopped asking about anything and there is like this barrier between us now. I can't sleep, everytime I close my eyes I think about him and worry about what he's doing.
I'm so tired. Feel like eating some Ben & Jerry's. I think I'm gonna raid his fridge now. The New York Super chunky is THE BEST mate. So yummy and just yummmmmmmmm
Bye I'm goneeeeee
