RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

so lost

I don't know know how to say how I'm feeling right now. It's a whole mess of feelings. These few weeks I thought things were getting better with me and Mr Orange. All my friends told me not to get back with him and only one said if I really love him and this relationship means alot to me, I should take the gamble. I did and I lost. These past few weeks of I'm sorry meant nothing. He promised me that he would never ever lie to me again and will really change. I asked him if he has already ended things with the other girl and he said yes. He told me he deleted everything even her no. I thought he really wanted to make things work and we could start all over again. I don't know why I did it but I contacted the other girl. I told him I contacted the other girl. He lied to me that she knew about us and didn't mind cos she didn't. He said everything will end by today. I can't believe this whole month of trying to make things work he didn't even end things with her yet. After all this time of us trashing things through, he didn't tell me the truth. What happened to the promise he made when I gave him another chance? Why does he have to treat me like an idiot? Ha....maybe cos I am? Hurts like shit

The girl told me he said he fell for her after they met but he can't decide whom to choose because both so nice and that cos his parents liked me, it's difficult for him to end things with me cos he wouldn't know how to face his parents and his friends. I feel like fuck. Honestly. He told me he didn't have any feelings for her. When I asked him, he finally said he was moved by her. Ok, fine. Then end things with me. Why is he so selfish and keep looking for me and say sorry and pls give me one last chance. What's with all the I love yous??? I won't even do this to someone I don't love, let alone someone I do. And always tell me I'm so sorry for hurting you, it's the biggest regret of my life. If so fucking regret, why didn't he try to put things right straight away?? I feel like crying now but I mustn't. Shit. Why do the tears have to come??? Now I can't stop. Everything he said and did was all bullshit. He didn't care about my feelings at all. How come I am so stupid and always believe what he says and just hurt myself again and again. Why???!!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!???? UUUUUURRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurts so fucking bad. I hate him. He told me he couldn't end things with her straightaway bcos he cared about her feelings. So he has feelings for her right? So it's fine to think about her feelings and lie to me again and again and hurt me more and more. So what the fuck is he saying sorry for?? Cos he definitely isn't. He asked me if someone really wanted to change, won't I give them a chance? I would if they felt remorse for what they did. But he didn't. I gave him another chance and yet he fucked it by continuing to lie. Lies after lies. What is his fucking problem??? Why does he keep doing this to me? Why?????????? WHY?!?!?!!???? I feel so fucking bad now. I am an idiot bcos I still miss him. How do I forget about him and all this shit? I know I must because he never really loved me anyway. I am going to forget all about him.

I need to open my eyes now. People say love is blind and I guess I was blinded and chose to believe the good in him. So stupid of me. So so stupid. So so dumb. What an arse. Why am I so stupid and always believe whatever people tell me. I hate myself for being so weak. The feeling is so bad now. I wish there is this big hole to swallow me up.

posted by xblowfishx @ 7:35 PM