Amazing
As I went for lunch with my mum, both of us didn't talk much. I guess that there's just too much troubling us both. A verse just kept going over and over in my head,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"
I know I should trust and I think I do. I mean, I know he has a plan for me but maybe I don't know how or when or what I should do. Anyway, yesterday at church, Paul suddenly told me that he was praying for me the last 2 months. Don't know why but my name just kept appearing to him and that he was praying for me for peace!! Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, I just kept praying and asking for peace because I am so troubled and my heart seems so heavy.
After lunch, UN came online and I messaged him, something which I haven't done in ages. He asked me to read his latest entry. Guess what was the first sentence I saw? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" God is awesome. I think He knows I am about THERE and He sent these small messages to let me know He knows. On Friday, the messages He told me "Trust me for I am the Lord" and Patience. Ok, what I want may not be the best for me. I must learn that.
Just awesome.
Does time really heal all wounds?
I don't think time really heals all wounds, at least not now I guess. It's been a whole freakin month and I still don't feel any better. It's such a horrible feeling. Why do I still want to see him? Why do I still miss him? What is wrong with me?
Maybe because all the previous times, I did what my heart told me to do. But this time round, I am going to stick to reason. I can't afford to screw up my life again, not with so much at stake. What am I going to do? Well, it definitely feels like it couldn't get any worse than this right now. I shouldn't have said that... everytime I say it can't get any worse and THOSE JOKERS show me. Right smack in my face. I seriously can't take much more of this, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Why am I so weak? I MUST. Really. I MUST. I feel so terrible right now. Somebody helpppppp
Bleaahhh
I hate having to think up of a title for each post. How do I know what the title should be?? This is me writing about nothing. I decided I'm just gonna put whatever fancies me irregardless of whether it is relevant or not.
2 people have said to me I might be attracting the wrong sorts. It truly puzzles me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. SHE said it's because I trust people too easily and thus players get to me because I won't know better. HE said because girl driving flashy car bound to attract wrong sorts as 1) i am high maintenance; some spoilt brat 2) some guy's mistress. Seriously WTF!!!!! I am just a little bit high on the maintenance side BUT I am NOT a spoilt brat. IMO. And what's with the mistress thingy? I'd be driving my Audi TT by now...
Arrrggghhh..!!! Why am I still feeling so crappy and WHY am I still missing him? Why why why?? Ok, I just need to fill up that void feeling in my life right now. Take a deep breath. Ok, this is a very normal feeling. Yup this emptiness is inevitable during break ups. Or could be hunger, I'm so hungryyyyyy. Need fooooooddddddddd
Writing down what I feel really helps. I think I am feeling this way because I am hungry.
Another Dempsey nite
I finally got back my baby :) :) my car i mean :) :) yesterday. I think we're like strangers now. He doesn't feel the same. Never mind, I'll teach him to ride the same :p
Will be meeting Ben later for another Dempsey night. Oh ya, Ben & Jerry's is just across the carpark *slurp* Work has been crazy recently, with mum leaving the office to accompany dad on his hospital visits. So stressed out... I wish there was someone who can help me out.
Anyway, I'm going for a fag now. Still the same stupid feeling everyday. I did something sooooo dumb today. I just wanted to see in which way I fell short to *HER*. I don't think in any way. I really hate that fcuker. He makes me sick. He is so selfish. It's all about him, him and himself ain't it. His happiness is at the expense of everyone else. H-A-T-E HIM!! This calls for a drink. DESPERATELY.
Thursday
How come there are no handbooks or manuals on how to operate or deal with a break up? Some days I feel like I'm getting better and on another day, it feels like I'm back to square one. Maybe it's when reality sinks in, it's even harder to accept.
Is it really worth it? What am I fighting for? Why hang onto something that isn't even real?? Everything was a lie. Everything was all about him, him and him. All about himself. So why do I even bother? Don't bother. Good. Today I am not going to bother or think about him at all. Josh asked me to try and get through one day at a time. Ok, I made it through yesterday and I am going to make it through today just fine too (fingers crossed....)
Tuesday blues~~
Today is only Tuesday, I wonder how am I going to get through the rest of the week. I miss Mr Orange very much :( but I know this is not what I can accept. I hate to say it and always try to make excuses for him to justify his actions but the truth is, he IS a womanizer. And the worse thing is, he is exactly like some of those guys you read about in the newspapers that got caught for cheating women through the net. How come I can be with a guy like that for more than a year and still love him???? I am soooooo blind and I feel soooooo humiliated.
Last night I went out with Ben and his friends for a drink. His friends opened this really cool joint at Dempsey. It's a nice place, not too noisy and not too crowded. Most of them are quite nice, especially Ad. He was talking to me the whole night and he asked me a question which until now I don't know the answer. What do I REALLY want? Anyway, Ben told me he used to be the same and that's why Maris left him. His advise was, people don't change and asked me to forget it. He said he only changed after 5 years and he also said Mr Orange is already not that young and his mentality is still so immature.
I was reading through my past entries and started even as early as July last year, he was already giving me shit. Why do I want to torture myself with all these insecurities. I am fine now. I don't need him. I am FINE....... ok, eventually I will be. Soon enough. Maybe in another 2 weeks I would have totally gotten over him. Yup. 2 more weeks and I'll be fine. I just need 2 more weeks thats all. Don't need a liar and a cheat in my life. Yup yup.
Roller coaster ride
My dad got his test results on Friday and it didn't sound very good. The cancer has spread everywhere and the doc told him that it seems that the chemo that he is currently doing is not working anymore. He recommended my dad to try traditional chinese medicine and also to go for another type of chemo which is extremely expensive. Mum's pretty worried about the expenses. I've decided to go back to work for them. How can I not care about them at this point? I owe them this much at least.
This morning I went to church. I haven't been going for a month. U.N. saw me and he asked me straightaway if everything was ok. I said ok but he asked if my relationship was working out. I said no. He asked if it happened about 3 weeks ago. I asked if someone told him but he said no, he just had a very uneasy feeling and had been praying for me. Then he told me, when he first met Mr Orange, he already had a bad feeling about him because he had a dodgy behaviour. He said he saw Mr Orange checking girls out when he was at my church. Can you believe that??? Actually if he weren't checking the girls out, how would he notice Ade. His eyes are really sharp when noticing girls, that's for sure. I asked UN whether he thinks people will change. He said yes, people do change. But that is if they TRULY regret what they did and IF they WANT to change. He also said womanizing is a weakness. I don't know what is he implying with this. But from my perspective, a weakness will always be there. I mean, he might change now, but the temptation is always there. ALWAYS. And he is a very weak person. And if womanizing is his weakness, then I guess I made the right choice to stay away, hard as it is.
I really wish I could fast forward this part of my life. Nothing seems to be going very well at this point and I am so exhausted. One thing after another and there is nothing I can do about either. This isn't quite so funny anymore. Ok, time to move along now... I'm gonna channel all my energy to my work and family. Oh ya, I met up with Ben after so many years and he introduced some new friends to me. It's really great I got time to meet up with my old friends now. After all said, only God is faithful.
Picking up the pieces
I'm glad I went on that trip. It gave me time to be by myself and really think about things. Being far away from all the chaos, I really didn't feel like coming back. I called Mr Orange when I was in Sydney because I really missed him and really wanted to talk to him. I don't know why despite all this I still hope deep down he will change.
Honestly I don't know what's the point because
1) people don't change
2) 2nd time round, the betrayal is so so much deeper and the hurt is also that much deeper
3) i don't want to disrupt my life again now that i'm beginning to pick up the pieces
So why am I hoping that he can show me something to convince me? But am I really able to forgive him again? I know though, that I could never trust him ever again and why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I can't even trust?
I stayed with Ole and Thom while I was at Sydney. I really believe that it was God's plan for me to be there. It's funny how after so many years Ole and I are still as close as before if not closer. She was there sitting on my bed watching me cry and just being there. God is faithful, he sent so many people to my side when I was on the edge of breaking down. I don't think I ever wanna go through this again. Ole sent me on retail therapy and I was busy shopping when suddenly the tears just came. At the restaurant, eating halfway, the same thing happened. Haha, luckily I'm in Sydney where no one knows me. I'm a crybaby lol
Oh ya, I went to Melbourne to look for PJ and stayed at her place. Melbourne is like walking down memory lane. I went back to The Drum to visit my old friends. Of all the luck, the first person I met was Six's new gf. I don't know who she was at first, but someone introduced us and she stopped smiling at me. I met some new people there and they all knew who I was even though we've never met. I'm known as Six's ex, the 6 yr relationship from S'pore. That's my title. That's how I'm known. I've been away for 3 yrs and that's still how I'm known. Sad case.
I didn't meet Six. I wanted to see him but then again maybe not. I have so many things I wanted to tell him and ask him what should I do now. I used to be able to tell him anything and he would always be on my side and advise me what I should do. But I guess it would have been so awkward. I know we were deliberately avoiding each other. I met his friends and his new gf but just not him. He asked Dave to send me his regards so I asked Dave why didn't he ask me himself. Six said NOT ADVISABLE. He has kept his distance from me ever since the day we broke up. Mango told me Six told her he kept his distance because he knew my parents disapproved and by keeping away, it will be easier for me. What a load of crap. Guys are just so full so shit. Imagine how the conversation would have been like:
R: hi, how have u been?
S: ok, still the same. what abt u?
R: not too great, i just broke up with my cheating bf. quarrelled with my parents and resigned from my job
S: ummm....
R: i met yr new gf
S: ~silence~
R: but she's just not me right
S: yeah, that's precisely why she's my new gf
Oh man, I think I'm going mental. I gotta stop having these imaginary non-existent conversations and getting paranoid over it. So many things happened recently. I can't seem to explain it though.
I just know that only God is faithful. Sebas told me that through bad times, God is molding our character and everything is part of His plan. The reason why sometimes our prayers are not answered is because 1) it is not good for me 2) it's not the right time 3) He has something better in store for me. If I seek Him, He will show me. This is kindda tough because patience is not one of my virtues. I am a very impatient person and I hate to wait. I think I will try to change this about me. PATIENCE ~~~~~~ I MUST BE PATIENT...WAIT...WAIT...WAIT...WAIT...
I'm going to the bank while waiting... ciao
i can't believe it....... :( i was typing halfway and everything is goneeeeeeeeeeee
