RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

Picking up the pieces

I'm glad I went on that trip. It gave me time to be by myself and really think about things. Being far away from all the chaos, I really didn't feel like coming back. I called Mr Orange when I was in Sydney because I really missed him and really wanted to talk to him. I don't know why despite all this I still hope deep down he will change.

Honestly I don't know what's the point because
1) people don't change
2) 2nd time round, the betrayal is so so much deeper and the hurt is also that much deeper
3) i don't want to disrupt my life again now that i'm beginning to pick up the pieces

So why am I hoping that he can show me something to convince me? But am I really able to forgive him again? I know though, that I could never trust him ever again and why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I can't even trust?

I stayed with Ole and Thom while I was at Sydney. I really believe that it was God's plan for me to be there. It's funny how after so many years Ole and I are still as close as before if not closer. She was there sitting on my bed watching me cry and just being there. God is faithful, he sent so many people to my side when I was on the edge of breaking down. I don't think I ever wanna go through this again. Ole sent me on retail therapy and I was busy shopping when suddenly the tears just came. At the restaurant, eating halfway, the same thing happened. Haha, luckily I'm in Sydney where no one knows me. I'm a crybaby lol

Oh ya, I went to Melbourne to look for PJ and stayed at her place. Melbourne is like walking down memory lane. I went back to The Drum to visit my old friends. Of all the luck, the first person I met was Six's new gf. I don't know who she was at first, but someone introduced us and she stopped smiling at me. I met some new people there and they all knew who I was even though we've never met. I'm known as Six's ex, the 6 yr relationship from S'pore. That's my title. That's how I'm known. I've been away for 3 yrs and that's still how I'm known. Sad case.

I didn't meet Six. I wanted to see him but then again maybe not. I have so many things I wanted to tell him and ask him what should I do now. I used to be able to tell him anything and he would always be on my side and advise me what I should do. But I guess it would have been so awkward. I know we were deliberately avoiding each other. I met his friends and his new gf but just not him. He asked Dave to send me his regards so I asked Dave why didn't he ask me himself. Six said NOT ADVISABLE. He has kept his distance from me ever since the day we broke up. Mango told me Six told her he kept his distance because he knew my parents disapproved and by keeping away, it will be easier for me. What a load of crap. Guys are just so full so shit. Imagine how the conversation would have been like:

R: hi, how have u been?
S: ok, still the same. what abt u?
R: not too great, i just broke up with my cheating bf. quarrelled with my parents and resigned from my job
S: ummm....
R: i met yr new gf
S: ~silence~
R: but she's just not me right
S: yeah, that's precisely why she's my new gf

Oh man, I think I'm going mental. I gotta stop having these imaginary non-existent conversations and getting paranoid over it. So many things happened recently. I can't seem to explain it though.

I just know that only God is faithful. Sebas told me that through bad times, God is molding our character and everything is part of His plan. The reason why sometimes our prayers are not answered is because 1) it is not good for me 2) it's not the right time 3) He has something better in store for me. If I seek Him, He will show me. This is kindda tough because patience is not one of my virtues. I am a very impatient person and I hate to wait. I think I will try to change this about me. PATIENCE ~~~~~~ I MUST BE PATIENT...WAIT...WAIT...WAIT...WAIT...
I'm going to the bank while waiting... ciao

posted by xblowfishx @ 1:33 PM