Exhileration!!
I finally msged Mr Orange this morning and asked him to help me by not replying to my msgs or calls. Anyway, in between those msgs, those things he said just sounded so lame and so immatured and I AM SO SICK of his lies and crap.
I deserve more than this. He can take all his nonsense and stuff it up his arxx. The past few days I felt like I was living in hell. Just walking around like a zombie, couldn't think or concentrate on whatever I was doing and there he was having fun outside with a total disregard of my feelings. Why am I being punished for his mistakes? I decided to stop. I am stronger than this, I can do it. I must get myself out of this to get well.
I know this time round I can. He knows I'm very insecure and he went away without saying anything AND without so much as a call or msg. He isn't trying very hard and he's not helping to remove any of the insecurities and just adding to it. I think it's pointless. He can go do whatever he wants. I don't give a shiate about him anymore.
All said, I hope this momentum can keep up because I know me. Sometimes I just do things at the spur of the moment and regret it later. I can i can i can.... Bucks has been helping me through this alot. He said to me "young lady, you can do this. You are stronger than this." Thank God for the friends he sent to help me along the way.
The What Ifs
Today is another one of those days. I can't seem to pull myself out of this cycle. At times it really feels as though I am feeling much better then next comes the spiralling downwards again.
And no, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am feeling the loss. And I am scared. Things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Dad's condition is getting pretty bad and if anything happens I don't know if I can handle it. But I am learning to let go and trust God in everything. It's not easy. I have come to realize that many things are beyond my control. Especially people. And that is a very big pill to swallow. It's still stuck somewhere in my throat choking the shit out of me and that's why I am struggling so hard to cope.
Thank God for friends, they have been such a pillar of support. And the unexpected angels that came along my way. I am feeling very tired after all this hoo haas and everything is taking it's toll. I can't sleep every night and still popping those sleeping pills hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will get better. But it doesn't!!!!!!!!! So what do I do now?
The only thing that is holding my world together now is the belief that He knows and He has plans for me. Which is good because at this point I am totally clueless and for someone who is a control freak, I am at a lost finally.
"When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father, You are King over the floods, I will be still and know You are God..."
I believe eventually all things will come to pass, it's the living of those chapters now that is so difficult. Can I skip chapter 85, 86 and fast forward to 100 please? I know problems are character building, but seems now I will have too much character LOL.
I know what I have to do. And I will do it. Wish me luck!!
back to chapter 57
I really miss him :(
it's the same as reading till the last chapter of the book and flipping back to start again from where the heartache begins. it's still the same crappy feeling and it doesn't get any better. nope sirreee, it just doesn't. still the same sense of longing and hurt.
i wonder how long this is going to take before i get well. it's definitely taking a reaallllyyyy looonnggg time. i know i just need to get out there and meet some new people but i just can't seem to bring myself to do it. so tired.
chapter 99
And so the Rainne saga continues..... Life just ain't easy isn't it?
I read a book about this lady who caught her husband cheating and the feelings she described are so understandable. The disbelief at first, the hope that this was all a dream. But try as I might, the hurt and feelings are so real. As real as a big fat slap in the face.
He might come up with all the right words to say, all that I want to hear. In the end, it can be just another pack of lies. Sorry is as sorry can be, at that moment that is.
Here is something I came across.....
"Promises mean everything, but when broken, sorry means Nothing"
