RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

The What Ifs

Today is another one of those days. I can't seem to pull myself out of this cycle. At times it really feels as though I am feeling much better then next comes the spiralling downwards again.

And no, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am feeling the loss. And I am scared. Things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Dad's condition is getting pretty bad and if anything happens I don't know if I can handle it. But I am learning to let go and trust God in everything. It's not easy. I have come to realize that many things are beyond my control. Especially people. And that is a very big pill to swallow. It's still stuck somewhere in my throat choking the shit out of me and that's why I am struggling so hard to cope.

Thank God for friends, they have been such a pillar of support. And the unexpected angels that came along my way. I am feeling very tired after all this hoo haas and everything is taking it's toll. I can't sleep every night and still popping those sleeping pills hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will get better. But it doesn't!!!!!!!!! So what do I do now?

The only thing that is holding my world together now is the belief that He knows and He has plans for me. Which is good because at this point I am totally clueless and for someone who is a control freak, I am at a lost finally.

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father, You are King over the floods, I will be still and know You are God..."

I believe eventually all things will come to pass, it's the living of those chapters now that is so difficult. Can I skip chapter 85, 86 and fast forward to 100 please? I know problems are character building, but seems now I will have too much character LOL.

I know what I have to do. And I will do it. Wish me luck!!

posted by xblowfishx @ 8:03 PM