All I need is you
Why is there still this very tight feeling at my chest? Every morning I wake up feeling worse than the night before. I guess it's that sense of loss, seemingly more final with each passing day.I met him on Saturday together with BBuddy. Then BBuddy went on and on about cheating couples etc. Till a stage where everyone was awkward but I guess it was there just dying to come out. Anyway, Mr Orange and BBuddy went down to the beach to have a talk and I was sitting there with El. I think in all honesty, I just wanted to know if I could trust Mr Orange and dumb as it was, picked up his phone. The very first message I saw was "miss you dear..hugz". I wasn't surprised anymore but just had a very heavy feeling in my heart. It could be disappointment yet again or just something dying. I don't know. But strange as it seems, when I asked him about it, I actually believed his explanation this time.
On the way home, we stopped to pick up his car and I asked him if we should just f*** care everything and give this one last shot. This particular conversation was the most honest and open we have ever had. All the past few months of trying to get back together, he finally told me he thinks he's not ready. Why doesn't he just take a fork and frigging stab me in the heart, I guess that would do the job faster. But now everything makes sense, his actions, his behaviour towards me. I finally understood. He told me all along he thought he was ready, but when I asked him why didn't he clarify things with the other girls or at least made an effort to, he said he suddenly realized he wasn't ready to do this. Maybe God planned this. We thought we were almost ready but apparently God thinks otherwise and showed us.
We met up again on Sunday night. It must have been one of the most painful moments of my life. There's really nothing much to say anymore. It hurts so so bad but if he cannot give up his womanizing for me, it really just shows how much I mean to him and I think I deserve more than this. We had one last hug and it just literally tore my heart out, I wanted to cry so much and it took me every ounce of whatever I had left to walk away. We decided we are gonna call it quits this time round. I don't hate him anymore and in fact, I think for the first time in our whole relationship he has been honest with me.
Time heals all wounds, or so they say. It certainly doesn't feel like it now though. Everyday brings round a fresh bout of pain, and missing and longing. This truly sucks to the core but I must not step back in again. Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? I think I gave all that I could to love him but he isn't even willing to give up other women for me. So... much as it hurts now I think I deserve much more than whatever he was giving me. I must stop giving myself false hopes.
No expectations = No disappointments
I'll just trust God now to do what He wants to do because I certainly don't trust myself now. Darn, I miss him alot :( but I will be fine. I know I will be.
posted by xblowfishx @ 1:21 PM
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