RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

Happy Deepavali?

He hasn't texted me in 2 days not that I'm counting :x
I was out with Merv just now and we went for lunch and he accompanied me shopping. His great scheme is working apparently with Ms El. I'm happy for him, I really am and he asked me to try out his method. I wish I could but there's so much emotion at stake that I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

PJ told me something today. I have lost my remote control to Mr Orange. My happiness seems to be dependant on him. Why have I lost control over my own life? Why did I allow myself to reach this stage? Is my self worth measured in terms of whether he loves me or not? Honestly, I have lost all confidence in myself. I've thought about it and I really do want to get myself out of this situation. Why do I want to keep going round and round in circles? It's been dragging on for way too long. I wish I could just fast forward time and get past this horrid stage.

I am scared. Period. I think it could be fear of the unknown if I let go. Fear of losing him. But I HAVE already lost him, so what more am I afraid of? Afraid that he'll never be part of my life again? Well, he's also not exactly a part of my life anymore, save the me waiting for him to call part. LOL. Yeah well, what I'm trying to say is, I've already lost him even when we were still together. And another thing is, through my msg to him on Tuesday night, I realized that I still have anger towards him. I guess right now, the most important thing is for me to get over the anger and the hurt. And this is for me. To move on. I don't wanna go through life so jaded and bitter. I would probably bring the hurt along with me to the next relationship and it would be so unfair.

I will be going to KL with Merv, Dean and one other guy tomorrow. I didn't really wanna go, but Merv kept asking me to. He said I should just take a break, take my mind of things, basically just go and play. Yup yup. We went shopping just now and he was trying to pick out some party clothes for me. It's really amazing. God has sent so many friends along my way to help me out. I must just let go and trust in HIM, that He will look after me and knows what's best.

Thank you Lord. I feel much better now, like a weight has been lifted off me. I hope this feeling lasts. In my few moments of clarity, I seem to have sorted things out and know exactly what I should do. I hope these moments last. Anyway I will update all about my trip when I'm back. I am just gonna forget about everything and have fun. Haven't done that in a long while. Wish me well :)

posted by xblowfishx @ 7:35 PM