Can u feel what I feel?
I miss him. It's been so many months and I still feel the same. Why doesn't the empty feeling go away? Why why why? I don't understand.Dad has been very sick. He's bedridden now and has stopped eating. Living mainly on milk SOMETIMES but mostly on water and morphine. He's skeletal and cries at night due to the pain. Seems the morphine doesn't really help that much anymore. Everyone thinks he's gonna go soon, even the docs. I don't know how to help, I stay by his bedside and talk to him but he's always in and out of consciousness that it's hard to talk.
Stef is coming over tomorrow to stay. I am in a way kind of glad that he can be my distraction from Mr Orange. But I know deep down it's not gonna work out. It's just not the same. Maybe in time I will grow to have more feelings for him. Yeah, but he's just another heartbreaker haha. I miss Mr Orange. So much. I wonder if he even thinks about me anymore or just happily carrying on his ways. Honestly, I don't have much faith.
I went to look at his facebook the other day and he posted photos of him with another girl. It hurts like shit honestly, not so much of him dating now but yet again broken promises. Just before Christmas, we had a talk, I told him to stop contacting me and letting me live in false hopes. He told me, no matter what it takes, he will prove to me that he'd change. And why he's still contacting me is because he is scared that he will be out of my life and that I will forget about him. And the very thing he said, I won't let you wait for too long. I have been harbouring this hope that one day he will show me what he promised. I guess that's why I am still clinging on. I want to let go, I went out with different guys but the interest just wasn't there. Went home feeling emptier than ever, missing him even more. The only person really that even sparked the slightest interest within me is Stef. Merv told me I am treading on dangerous waters again, walking straight into another shit hole. "Dude, this guy is definitely a player. If you thought Mr Orange was bad, this guy is ten times worse." True, maybe. If he can win my heart over, I know I will be fine. I just want my heart back. Hopefully in one piece again.
Seriously I have no idea how things are going to work out. I am so sick of trying to second guess what Mr Orange is thinking. He says one thing but does another. I guess I see but I don't want to accept. I kept praying to God, if he's not the one for me, please help me to stop loving and stop missing him. Maybe now is not the time because God hasn't answered my prayers yet or He is just so sick of hearing about this shit over and over again. Either way, I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I was over at Dean's place just now watching a movie and just hanging out. I just couldn't stand being on my own today. The emptiness just couldn't go away even with the most crappy show that they played. I just want my piglet back. Why do all these things have to happen? I'm scared shit of every guy now and I've lost my self confidence. Trashed. Nada.
It feels so much better now, after penning this all down. Reading backwards, I really don't know what am I trying to get out of this. Is it due to fear of loss? Or do I really love him after all? In spite of everything? Then he may have just lost the only one stupid person who would still love him after his antics.
God, please help me to forget about him. And to stop loving him. This is not the deepest desire of my heart but it is the second best option. I hope you can hear me and please send me a sign. Thank you so much.
posted by xblowfishx @ 6:02 PM
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