Have you lived your life
Living in the moment. How many of us can actually do that? When we are doing something, our mind is either trying to capture an experience from the past or trying to conjure up an image of the future. It's the living in the now that's tough.
I went for class again tonight and Soon was talking about how we never actually live our lives. Even when he was speaking my mind started to wander. I was really hungry and was thinking about food haha. Then he snapped me back to the present moment. Anyway walking down the street made me realize how I stopped paying attention to things around me. Usually when we are walking, driving etc, our minds are preoccupied with some other things. He was saying we should truly experience what we are experiencing.
We went back to that field again and today's sky seemed to hold more weightage than the first experience. After 3 weeks of project, I felt completely burnt out. Things were not going very well and there was this horrible weight on my shoulders and neck. I couldn't sleep at night due to the pain. Oh, I got the same chest tightness and went to the toilet to puke when I was at work. Looking at the sky and just being with myself again tonight helped me to refocus. The universe is so big and made my problems look small. I wish I could remain in this space forever. Being so in tuned with myself and things around me.
Part of my project was to work with Rob on the overweight cargo and get the biz moving. By the 2nd week, the account just landed on my lap and took me little effort to secure it. It's like things are happening on their own.
I used to say, I have to look after my mum but now I realize that she's alot stronger than I am. With all that she has to shoulder, she is still strong and still going. Yesterday, when things just seemed so bad, she said hey, come lets just go take a drive and relax. We took a drive and went to a new place for lunch. The pasta was really good. Then we drove around and we just walked in to this physio place. The doc pulled my neck and did some stuff for my tense muscles and last night was the one night I slept right through without waking up for ages. Mum is just incredible, I don't know how she does it, keeping up with everything.
God has been very good to us. He knows when we are just about had it all, He sends someone along to hold us up. Ste has been really nice, he never pressures me and always listens to me. I am taking some time out to find myself and look for directions. What is it that I really want and also to get over Mr Orange. He doesn't love or respect me, I really should not keep holding on. Last time, he said to me 'I won't let you wait for long' and then when I spoke to him some 2 months back, he said to me, 'I also didn't ask you to wait'. It really really says alot about what I mean to him. God has His plans and I hope He reveals it to me soon :)
TCC
My mum, bro, Ste and I went to Koh Samui about 2 weeks ago. The place was just simply beautiful. The amazing-ness of the place, the beauty of all that God has created was just grand. Merv kept asking me to go and forget everything, just go and fully emerge myself in that place. No worries, nothing matters anymore. I went and I understood what he was trying to say. It's a very hard feeling to describe, the sheer beauty of nature just made me feel so small and
all the problems just felt so insignificant. I missed Mr Orange alot. At every point, I just wanted him to be there, to share with him how beautiful that place was.
When I came back, I went for TCC (the courage to create), a course that was supposed to help me deal with issues in my life that were holding me back from doing the things that I wanted to do. The course was really tough, it was a 3 days intensive course, we started at 9am and literally finished at 3am+ and was handed tons of homework, finished at 630am AND had to reach class again at 9am. I was very glad I went anyhow. We had sessions to clear the bad stuff from our heads, the lifecoach helped me to address the grieves I had from the death of my dad. I went through the Mr Orange stuff and thought that I was over him and I didnt need him anymore. Well, through the fark em bastardos process, I realized that I still miss him very much. And it still hurts like shit, those messages I read on his cell last time. We were forced to face the things which traumatize us the most and for me it was the magnitude of the betrayals and disbelief. I hated myself for allowing this to happen. Again. And again. And again. You'd think I should have grown wiser by now but...
I really don't understand why do I still feel so deeply.
I'm working on a project now which is to expand my parent's business. I set up milestones weekly and by the end of 7 weeks, I'm supposed to have increased the sales, shift the staff around and make sure I have a good team behind to support me. At first it seemed like such a big project and totally unachieveable but going through the course has given me more clarity to see what needs to be done. It was like after the course, I was surviving based on pure adrenaline and everyday just revving to go. I still am hyped up but the euphoria has kind of like dropped a few centimeters.
Merv called just now and told me he crashed his car. This is the 2nd major accident and he's just about had enough. I totally understand the feeling. It's like... "hey, it's really not so funny anymore. I have been trying so hard to do the right things and yet why do these things keep happening to me??? Whhhyyyy???!!!! God, it's really not funny anymore. When are things gonna go right for once?" It's really how I feel right now.
Ste and I have been going out. He is good to me and has been very patient and understanding throughout. I told him about me and Mr Orange and he respects my feelings. Oh ya, he got his visa today and he's very happy to be able to stay here. XWei told me not to get too involved with Ste during the Samui trip as it was easy to do so when I'm feeling down and there he was putting me at the center of his universe and giving me all his attention. XWei wasn't wrong at all. Maybe I was looking for a respite and there he was offering me the stars.
It's just that he's not Mr Fucking Justin and somehow, no matter how absolutely stupid and self deluded I sound at this point, no one else will do. He doesn't love me enough to make this work. I have to wake up.
