RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

Bed shifted

I got home from Sibu on Wednesday and found Lisa shifted my bed. Now it's in an awkward position, my headrest is just sort of below the window and yet not really. I could not sleep last night, got home and felt so darn empty.

You know when you get those midnight blues thingy and just need to call someone. Of all the people, I chose to call Mr Orange. Well, not that there were a lot of choices left since I didn't wanna disturb the sleeping lot and he just seemed like the night bird. And was I right, he was out watching a movie with G.K.W. but no doubt for sure a SHEmale.

Last night was a bad case of panic attack. Suddenly felt so empty, guess it came me being single again. I wonder why am I so needy and whether my dating sprees previously were just about me using them to fill the emptiness. Ste and I were at B&B's launch party, he stayed and I left first. In the past 3 weeks that we've been apart, there have been countless girls calling him up to get into his pants. He said he didn't go out with a single one of them. We had an argument about this, (WHY?) he asked me why was it so hard for me to believe that he loves me for me and why couldn't I just believe that he is not going to lie to me like the rat did. Hmmm... it's quite a good question. I don't think I am worth it. I don't believe that a person like him would love a person like me. What is good about me? I am an average looking, chubby, sometimes oily haired girl. Wellll... some say I am fun and have a great sense of humour. But how long does FUN and HUMOUR last before it gets irritating? What is there to love about me?

So now that brings me down to the all time important question. Where is my sense of self worth? And the self love I'm supposed to have. Merv said to me the other day "you know what Re, the few guys that are on your list now are really all pretty darn good. I don't know what are you looking for especially when AD is such a perfect match for you." I guess I am scared to commit, I am looking for the perfect man to make me happy. Read this, to MAKE ME HAPPY because I don't know how to make myself happy. I am needy, like a vine that clings to anyone who shows the slightest potential to make me happy. Yup.

It was such an awakening yesterday when I found that out about myself yesterday. That my sense of self worth was measured by the love my partner gives me. If they don't love me, I don't love myself. It's so easy to say now, ok, I am going to start loving myself more and do this and that. Thank God Fii was online last night as I turned on my msn.

"You have to let your heart heal. Let him go, because of him, you have a problem trusting anyone. How can you trust anyone if he is still around you and you are constantly dealing with your paranoia with him? He doesn't love you, if he did he will do all it takes to make you trust him again. And who he goes out with is no longer any of your business. He doesn't love you."

Anyway, Ste just stepped into my room. Gotta get off before he sees this.

posted by xblowfishx @ 3:00 PM