Addiction
Dang.
I think I am addicted to Ste. I can't seem to break this addiction. Every day he is in my mind. I'm gonna move to Uruguay and raise my bronzed kids there on my own private island.
Where is God? Arrrhhhh!!!!!! What is it that I'm searching for?? I really don't understand myself. I seem to only want things that are bad for me. Why is that so? I don't think I am self-destructive any longer. I am gonna end up going to the loony bin soon.
Can can can. Don't think. Can can can...
Bono sucks
6 January 2009
Resolution
Numero Due has gone down the drain on Monday night. Ste texted and said he's going to be preparing a special dinner that night for us and asked me to go over at 730. I went over, and we had a nice dinner. Watched movies and we talked. Talked about his trip, how I spent my Christmas and New Year, talked about Alex, Pino, Phil and he made lasagne for the boys and what is going to happen from now. And we played with Wall E (more so him than me).
I went home and felt even crappier than ever, such an empty feeling. I know he won't stay and he already told me that maybe 5 years or so and he'd want to leave. I couldn't sleep that night and it got pretty bad. It was around 2am+ and I just needed to talk to someone but seems the whole world was asleep. Texted Mr Orange since he'd most likely be a night bird but no reply.
I met up with Mr Orange last night and I told him about me and Ste and how miserable I was feeling. He told me Ste was holding me on a leash, how I'm boosting his ego. I'm his fallback cushion, knowing that I'd be here for him anyway. He told me how guys like to keep their options open. So just string me along for the moment first. I know its probably true but I don't know how to say but I think Ste is not like that. He is very different as we have always been very open to each other about our feelings and I love it like that. Shit. Anyway, I am going to let this go because I know it is not good for me. He told me, the past is past, its what I do from here onwards that is going to make a difference.
I'm just going to say this one last time. I really feel for you, very much so. Mi manchi tanto. And I'm very sad that things turned out this way because you are very important to me. Ever since you walked into my life, everything changed. Nothing will ever be the same again, nothing will ever feel the same again. Ho voglio di te. Bye love. Bye Vittorio, I felt like I always knew you.
Sunday
I went to church this morning but left halfway because I kept coughing and it just won't go away. Ste texted me and said hi and what was I was doing. He asked me for dinner then changed his mind cos he was moody and changed to tomorrow night. I wouldn't meet him tonight either because of the cough. He asked what was I doing so I said resting.
Met Ollie to discuss our business plan. I'm very excited, it seems that things are finally rolling. We've decided on a name and registering the biz and setting up the paperwork this week once our lawyer is out of hospital. Her sister will be helping us to design the namecards. I am very excited, this is the first time that I am venturing out on my own. I must make it.
I prayed for Missy and Ollie today. They are very important to me and I hope that God touches them. Especially for Missy. She is very strong and I respect her so much for her strength. I really don't know how to pray though. Do I pray for complete healing inspite of? But God knows no limits, He can perform miracles. I believe God, help my unbelief.
God's angels
I broke resolution no.2 today.
*rolls eyes* (can continue rolling till cows come home)
Ok, it comes as no big surprise. I texted Ste this morning and until now 1059pm still NO reply. I even called him to see if he was alive but NO answer and not even a courtesy call back.
nb *1106pm he is sleepingLet me get this over and done with quickly regarding resolution
numero due. Mr Orange texted me and asked if I were home. Long story short, he said he wanted to pass me something and I met him outside my house. He gave me my favorite strawberry pocky sticks and a cute little turtle. I meant a soft toy. Not a real life turtle or I'd freak. Why is he doing this? I am flabbergasted.
Resolution n
umero due has already been broken as I went against better judgement and threw shit on myself. BUT, I am still determined to follow it through not gonna give up just because of a minor hiccup.
**takes hanky and cleans shit off myself**Today, may be the day that my life changes. Or at least my perspective on life. One of my long lost friend walked back into my life not quite so long ago. Maybe a few months back. We met up again today for some drinks and dinner. As usual, she was listening to me bitchin about my non-existent love life.
I have this fear of growing old, to hit the big 3 really really bad. She asked me if I had ever lost a really close friend before. I said no, except my dad and grandma. She told me she is HIV positive. Somehow I knew she wasn't joking. It was like someone squeezed my heart. This was what she said to me "I hope to see 30. You're scared to grow old, I would like to be able to live it." I do not know how to explain this feeling I have in me.
She told me this, not knowing whether she could trust me, just so that I could live my life better. In a better way. To get out of the rut which, I have planted myself so deeply in. I know she doesn't really believe in God and has stopped going to church. God has His plans for all of us. She is God's angel to me. The timing which we happen to walk back into each other's lives. And the fact that usually when I say to someone, sure we'll meet up but never do. Or the fact that I so persistently wanted to see her again must not have been coincidences. God is doing something. We just have to wait and see. If only I knew how to fully let go and trust God.
Thank you Lord for the angels.
Happy New Year 2009!!
It's 2009!! Yep, it's the 2nd of January 2009 right where I am. It seems I'm always a day or a few days late in my posting. Happy New Year everyone!!!
I was downright sick since New Year's eve's eve. I spent the past 3 days in bed with fever and a horrid sore throat. Must've been the excessive alcohol that I was pouring down my throat over Christmas. I missed my parties. I feel cheated of all the partying that was due me after a such a long year. Dang.
Alrighty, so let's get to the important bits. Why do we get so excited over New Years? Maybe it gives us a new lease of life, something to look forward to and say ok i've screwed up the last, now I can start all over again. Arhhh.... our new year resolutions. What have we here. I haven't made any resolutions exactly this year. Let's face it, how many of us actually stick to our resolutions 3 months into the new year? I have decided, though, to 1)put more effort into really settling the paperwork for the new biz 2)pay no attention to men 3)join yoga. Yes sireeeeeeeee. Ok, not so certain about the yoga part but something for myself. For my well being, to love me more. This time I am determined, watch me.
Ste called me yesterday and said he's coming home today. Mi manca tanto di lui!!! Well, now he's home I know but what diff does it make?? We're still not talking to each other. I'm gonna have to log off and stop staring at Bono's face in his msn soon (why couldn't he have chosen Jude Law?) I'm becoming psychotic. Hmmm, not a very good start to the new year. It'll get better. :)
La promessa - I will start doing things that are good for me. No more self-destructive behaviour. I WILL NOT LET THEM GET UNDER MY SKIN.
