RAIN RAIN, GO AWAY

6 January 2009

Resolution Numero Due has gone down the drain on Monday night. Ste texted and said he's going to be preparing a special dinner that night for us and asked me to go over at 730. I went over, and we had a nice dinner. Watched movies and we talked. Talked about his trip, how I spent my Christmas and New Year, talked about Alex, Pino, Phil and he made lasagne for the boys and what is going to happen from now. And we played with Wall E (more so him than me).

I went home and felt even crappier than ever, such an empty feeling. I know he won't stay and he already told me that maybe 5 years or so and he'd want to leave. I couldn't sleep that night and it got pretty bad. It was around 2am+ and I just needed to talk to someone but seems the whole world was asleep. Texted Mr Orange since he'd most likely be a night bird but no reply.

I met up with Mr Orange last night and I told him about me and Ste and how miserable I was feeling. He told me Ste was holding me on a leash, how I'm boosting his ego. I'm his fallback cushion, knowing that I'd be here for him anyway. He told me how guys like to keep their options open. So just string me along for the moment first. I know its probably true but I don't know how to say but I think Ste is not like that. He is very different as we have always been very open to each other about our feelings and I love it like that. Shit. Anyway, I am going to let this go because I know it is not good for me. He told me, the past is past, its what I do from here onwards that is going to make a difference.

I'm just going to say this one last time. I really feel for you, very much so. Mi manchi tanto. And I'm very sad that things turned out this way because you are very important to me. Ever since you walked into my life, everything changed. Nothing will ever be the same again, nothing will ever feel the same again. Ho voglio di te. Bye love. Bye Vittorio, I felt like I always knew you.

posted by xblowfishx @ 4:01 PM